and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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