im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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