did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
