M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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