yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
