Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize