shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
