It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
