Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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