i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
