I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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