would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Randomize
