I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize