If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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