Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
