fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
