I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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