Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
