I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you traded sex for a burrito?
you win again, gameday.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
