everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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