oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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