your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
