did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
