fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize