I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
