Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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