he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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