she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
