It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
