Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize