Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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