That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
