I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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