chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
