Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
