Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
