Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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