When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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