So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
