My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
