He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
