When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
