Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
