i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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