he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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