I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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