And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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