If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
