So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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