Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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