just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
