My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
