why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
