I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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