I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
