The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
