I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
