I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i now understand why vodka
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
