I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize