yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
