Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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