so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
